February 2, 2018
In transit from Washington, DC to Amman
Comfort with uncertainty is so clearly the only route to a real sense of safety. Fear of change only creates a cycle of fear. I do want to be taken care of today though. I want to be made to feel ok.
February 7, 2018
Al Azraq, Jordan
Cloudless skies again. No rain this season and the mudflat is bone dry. I keep arguing with people about expectations. Are they drivers to help us achieve our dreams, or the root of all disappointment? I try again not to have any, and fail.
February 9, 2018
Al Azraq, Jordan
Temperatures approach summer levels. The sky is hazy and gray. Miscommunication creates delays and a deep sense of foreboding consumes me. Has everything collapsed? Is there any way I can ever, ever, ever learn to believe?
February 15, 2018
Gray February skies remind me of November in the upstate New York of my childhood. To Belong: To be the property of, be owned by. To be held by, to be in the hands of. It is a sudden shock of awareness, here, now, after a lifetime of searching. It’s here and now.
February 20, 2018
Highs of 79F/26C but the night is bright and clear and cool. I’m reliving memories and seeing glimpses of the future unfolding ahead. Are we doing the best we can with the information we have? It seems like a good time to forgive ourselves for being human.
February 28, 2018
65F/18C with flat gray skies. February made me go deep. It brought me face to face with parts of myself I hate: my distrust, fear, isolation, fragility. That’s what they mean by the shadow self. Now it seems I’ve turned the light on.
March 4, 2018
The air is unseasonably warm, with light rain. I begin to “gather the bones”, to listen to the stillness, to build a foundation for belief. I’m imagining the sound of the wind on a flat, empty land and hearing it say “I am”.
March 10, 2018
60mph/97kph winds, partly cloudy, 42F/6C. I believe that we create our realities with the power of our minds. It’s true in a poetic way, and true like concrete. They say that one of the ways we fully live is to fully recognize that we too will die one day.
March 16, 2018
20mph/32kph winds and 37F/3C as we near the first day of spring. Would it be ok if I stopped pretending I’m powerless? Pretending that happiness depends on anything outside me? I’m increasingly open to the possibility that this life is a waking dream.
March 17, 2018
After a spring-like winter, the cold returns this week in time for spring. As I take down the wall between my heart and mind I wonder where the new boundaries will be. I know myself by my thoughts…I know myself by my desires.
March 21, 2018
34F/1C with 5+ inches of snow. I read an article that says a healthy path is a smooth satisfaction with life, but our animal nature has us addicted to highs and lows. I want to reject this theory, which only seems to prove that it’s true.
March 24, 2018
47F/8C, sunny and cold. The thing people don’t mention when they talk about trust is that trust isn’t going to make it hurt any less to take the risks you are afraid of. It’s just going to help you believe that the fear is worth it.
March 28, 2018
55F/13C, light showers in the afternoon. I am finding out what it means to “live your truth,” first the meaning of truth and then “my” truth. This truth isn’t the opposite of lying, it’s the opposite of hiding. It is finding, at long last, my voice.
March 31, 2018
63F/17C, sunny with patchy clouds, Every few days we get one like this It’s starting to feel like spring. This month was an exercise in finding a place of calm within a storm of transformation. I spent days stewing in a joy of my own making to see what impact it would have on my heart.
April 2, 2018
53 degrees. I have a conversation with my heart and it keeps talking about time and space in a way that convinces me we are talking about infinity. “Go into the space and time with no end” it says. I think about how to make that happen.
April 6, 2018
A beautiful day. A day when I don’t think I can continue living in this body, I feel I should be an infinite part of the universe. And then suddenly I completely know the perfection. The oneness of everything. I laugh and cry and know. My heart just predicted this, and it arrived.